Writing My Way Back (pt 3)

This is supposed to be Part 4, but I skipped Part 3 because it was so redundant it was a shame. Trust me, you don't want to know.

Anyway, this one is titled "Contribution". 

As always , we are expected to examine our lives and be reminded of the times we have contributed to our family, our friends and to Society. Have we helped in our family in any way, have we done good turns for our friends, have we done a kindness for strangers? These are are strategies used to "pull us up" from the malaise we are feeling, and remind us of the good we do every day for our fellow man. 

Unfortunately, for those of us with a higher intellect, those who are more self-aware, we can see through these platitudes and recognise them for the easy escape that they are. I choose to take a harder route. 

Have I contributed? Why, Yes, I have.

In school I was the renegade. I was given an inch and proceeded to take the mile. I argued with teachers, with Principals, and with rules. I was not a rebel, but a questioner, a mirror to the standards that were taught. I won both friends and enemies, neither of which gave me any advantage in my schooling.

At work I have always looked for better ways, and my cynicism has marked me both as a trouble maker, and as a source of opinion. Often this has led to improvements for those who came later, but rarely for myself. 

In my family, I have contributed in many ways. In childhood, I was a source of concern. My propensity for trying to kill myself through accident, and my position as the more than usually inept Middle Child had both Parents and Older Siblings alternately hovering over or berating me as I grew up. The feeling of never being quite good enough has never left me. 

Then I discovered a talent for comedy. This was my contribution. I left a trail of one-liners, sarcasm, and notable quotes behind me wherever I went.  This was my passport to forgiveness. As long as I was funny, or at least witty, my physical and social ineptitudes could be overlooked. I became the family clown.

Have I contributed? Yes I have. I have provided entertainment and challenges for so many in my life.

Have I contributed constructively? I don't know. I cannot judge. That is for others to decide. 

Writing My Way Back (Pt 2)

 The question is; "What is missing from my life, right now/" 

I could be glib and mention the millions of dollars which would allow me to do whatever the Hell I wanted to do, or the talent which would make the things I struggle to achieve so much easier. But I don't think that is the spirit of the question.

Frankly, I have a problem with the question. This is not because I can name so many things which are missing, nor is it because I refuse to confront the fact that there are serious and profound elements which I lack in my current circumstances.

I think my issue with the question "What is missing in my life, right now?" is my approach to the question. As much as I am a dreamer and an idealist, I am also at heart, a practical country boy. I tend to examine things from both sides. What is broken? Why is it broken? How can we fix it? How can we not break it again? And most importantly; Can we still get some use from it until we can get it repaired?

That is how I see this question. It's not a conscious thing, more instinctual and automatic.

So, here we go. What is missing in my life, right now?

First of all I need to see what I HAVE in my life, in order to determine what is missing.

I have an income, which provides the necessities for comfortable living, in a place which is safe, secure, and has various safety nets which allow me to live without worrying about those things being taken away. 

I have a circle of friends and relatives, some of whom are more visible than others, but who are concerned for my welfare in some way or other, and who are willing to assist me in varying degrees should I need help at some point.

I have time. Time to sit and think, to analyze and examine problems, circumstances which may arise, or plans for the future. This time is built into my life by the Society in which I live. No constraints are placed upon its use, and I can share that time, or keep it for myself.

I have access. Access to information, to the political process, to those who have new or differing ideas. Whether I can change that political process or those differing ideas is a matter for argument, but at least I am aware that they exist, and I am allowed to speak of them, or to them, without fear of reprisal beyond the scorn of others who also have the right to speak their thoughts.

So, essentially I have most things I need to live comfortably in a physical and intellectual sense. So, what is missing?

 It is true that I have recently ended a very long and deep relationship, so I do not have a wife or partner. This was no light decision, and it is complicated and cuts deep. The causes were many and very tangled, and my own sanity played a part in it. It was no fault of hers, she is who she is, but the circumstances of my life had changed, and what was bearable for so long, eventually became impossible. So I guess I could say that a partner is missing from my life right now. But is "missing" the right word?

I miss her, yes. But she is not gone. We still talk. We see each other for family events, or to help each other with small things. I have not left her in search of another person. To fill a void. I cannot say exactly what has happened, but "missing" a partner is definitely not it. She is a friend, a deep, close personality who has shared so much with me, and whom I treasure greatly. She is integral to my life in so many ways, and I do not want to lose that.

No, a partner is not "missing" from my life.

So if physical, intellectual, and emotional needs are fulfilled in my life.... what is missing? Perhaps it is a philosophical thing....

I have someone whom I am proud to call a friend. He has been my friend for the best part of half a century, as I write this. He has always been a better friend to me than I have been to him. This applies to almost all of my friends. He has always been assured, focused and self-contained in his outlook. When I examine what is missing in my life, I end up looking to him and his example for the answer. The reason I look to him? He has had so many things in his life, that I have not achieved in mine, yet our background is so very similar. 

Vincent has had success in his career, achieved national and international recognition in his chosen field, travelled fairly extensively, and has achieved a reputation which allows him to be comfortable amongst the elite of his field. These things I have never accomplished. I see his life, and I see so much that is not present in my life. 

But is it "missing"? That is the question. 

Vincent has devoted his energies in worthwhile and productive ways. He has achieved a great deal of good for other people. He has contributed to the success and fulfillment of many people, and he has done it ethically and without any need for regret. I wish I could have achieved what he has done. But I don't miss it.

This is only my opinion, and I am no expert, but I think that perhaps what he has achieved has been as a result of foregoing other elements of life. I do not say he "sacrificed" them, or that he has "missed" them. He simply chose a different path. He too has a circle of friends who would come to his aid should he need it. He lives in the same society as I do, so he shares the same benefits. His life isn't "missing" anything. It's just different to mine.

I have married, he didn't. I have children, he hasn't. I didn't follow through with my studies, he did. I chose to try and make a family life, he chose a career. Not Wrong. Not Right. Just Different. 

There is nothing missing from my life right now, just as there is nothing missing from Vincent's life. The only difference is the decisions we made, and the effort we each invested in the paths we chose.  

So, finally, what is missing in my life? 

Acceptance. Acceptance of the fact that MY decisions brought me here and my life is what I make it. As much as I may envy another's life, there are hundreds who envy mine. There is nothing missing in my life except my strength of mind to change the things I do not like.

Writing My Way Back... Part 1

We all have problems, both inflicted and self-inflicted. These are the issues which define our progress forward. The problems that stymie us. The ones we overcome. The ones we avoid. All of these define our way forward. 

Some problems are material and concrete; money, housing, work, bosses, physical limitations. Others are mental, psychological; fear, repression, memory, confidence.

All of them are ours, all of them are real, all of them can be overcome in one way or another, or in some form or another. All of them can be beaten. Unless we allow them to beat us.

I am no expert in human motivation, unless failing a thousand times makes you an expert. I failed at so many things, and continue to do so. If there is one thing I have learned from my failures, it's that every time I failed, the only person that told me to quit was me.

There were times when that was good advice, but on so many occasions, it was wrong. And I have no-one to blame but me.

This all sounds so trite and smug, and full of self-knowledge, but it's not. It hurts to admit it. It is embarrassing, demeaning, and it makes me cringe when I think of the opportunities I was offered and the chances I squandered. I could have stuck with successful companies and risen through the ranks, had I only shown some humility, some self-restraint, and some respect. Instead, I turned my back on financial security, and the chance for a comfortable retirement down the road, all because I didn't want to face the obstacles that came with that role. 

Were those decisions good ones? I sometimes think they were. But when money is tight, my family is threatened, and I need to ask for help, I have often beaten myself up for not choosing the safe way, for not protecting those who rely on me. I have been known to hate myself then.

The obstacles I chose not to face, or maybe I should say I failed to face, are familiar to us all. For me, they raise the same faces, time and again. Time. I do not manage Time at all well. I procrastinate, which is another word for Lazy. I am Lazy. I don't organise my Time well. I lack Focus. I am Lazy.

If I stopped being Lazy, I would have to accept an uncomfortable Truth. That is what holds me back, not being lazy, because everyone will tell you that I work as hard as anyone at my job.

What would happen if I overcame my Laziness, my bad Time-management, my Procrastination? I can tell you, because I sat down and looked at it. If I did all those things, I would have to face my biggest obstacle.

Fear Of Failure. Not Failure, just the fear of it. As long as I avoid reaching a point of fulfilment, I can't fail. If I don't have to reach that point, then I don't have to confront that fear. That's a very comfortable place to sit. And I have sat there for a LOOOONG time.

If I never go past those obstacles, I never have to confront my fears. 

But if I never go past those obstacles..... I will always fear failure.... and we cannot succeed unless we first fail.  Children never learn to walk without first falling down. Heroes are never made without first being afraid. All That. 

And I am afraid to succeed in case I fail....